Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He has the fingertips of a God
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