I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
