i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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