R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
