Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
