Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
