Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
