Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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