Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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