Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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