my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
