Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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