I wish I could teleport
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
