Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
