Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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