it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
