how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
