My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
