im about as happy as oj after his trial
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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