i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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