Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
