I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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