I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
