I wish my penis had an off switch
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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