I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
