YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
