Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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