I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
