Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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