He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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