i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
