Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
