census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
