My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Boobs are out for the taking
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
