Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
