Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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