life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
