I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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