So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
