If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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