I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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