About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
