On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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