They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
