I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
