I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
