Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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