I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Randomize
