Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
