Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
