So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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