I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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