I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
