I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
