i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
