So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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