I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
