If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
