yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
