This is not my ceiling
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
