Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.