did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
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I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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