Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
