Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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