...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
