I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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